When Things get Tough

There is something so beautiful about the way the Lord work in our lives. Sometimes we lose sight of the beauty when we become desensitized by it. But I think our biggest problem is we forget. We are such forgetful creatures in that we loose sight of what He has brought us from.

            Each thing He has brought us from is very different but when it comes down to the emotional aspect of where we were, it’s incredibly painful for all of us. Because I myself am a very imaginative person, I can get swept away in my thoughts, sometimes for hours.

            While it’s handy for writing some pretty interesting fiction at also happen to be a great burden when I begin pondering on the wrong things. My brain has the tendency to turn a simple unfortunate situation into the most devastating life event that persuades me to believe life would be better everyone else if I just ceased to exist. And then I’ll try to justify these “suicidal” thoughts by convincing myself it’s for others. I’m doing it for the better of others. I regret to say my head has brought me to this place countless times. Thinking that because of my actions, I have ruined other people’s lives.

            Romans 13:14 tells us "...and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh." A hard lesson that hit me in the face this week that I didn't even know it was a problem. Sure we can control our words towards other people, but our thoughts in our own head is so much more difficult.

           And our focus!  Where is our focus supposed to be? We keep thinking so hard that the point of life is to serve others, and make others happy and comfortable and while that is important, it shouldn’t be our priority! Our priority is serving our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Instead of asking God what we can do for Him, we are off trying to make others happy, not giving a second thought to whether or not the people we are pleasing, if that in itself is pleasing to God.

            God loves us, even at our darkest! So why cant we just accept that and live for Him? Love God, and Love others. That is what the two commandments in Matthew 22 are all about. We've got to get these in the right order our life will be chaos.

            “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. ’”

                                                                                                Matthew 22:37-39

Pain

Words. Belief. Doubt. 

Is there any other way out?

Pain, loss, sorrow. 

Wishing for a better tomorrow. 

Nothing's changed. Nothing will. 

I'm so weary of standing still. 

I've heard it before, 

"There's something in store"

But it remains, this lingering chill

Hope is promised. 

But we should stop this. 

It's only a let down. 

Even in this town. 

Forget the hope of bliss. 

Being A Character

    I've been dwelling a lot, it's been so long since I've sat down in a coffee shop and just written. There is something about being an author and having control over a story that I thoroughly enjoy. But as of late, I haven't had any time to write. Either school, ministry, fellowship or just plain sleep seems to get in the way. I wasn't worried about my lack of creativity lately until I started thinking about it this morning. Writing, painting, filming: all my greatest hobbies have been on hold for almost a year. So instead of being the author, the artist, or the director, I've been the character. I've been the work of art. A character in God's story.
    Anyone ever wonder when their story will begin? Where it's going? When life will finally start? I've been wondering a lot when my story will begin, but I realize now, my story began a long time ago. I'm only between chapters. It feels a lot like there are too many blank pages between the chapters but as a character I cannot see the whole story. It's really frustrating and has had be down lately. Especially when I read the back cover and see one thing, but as my story plays out, it's something entirely different. Or when I peek over into my friends stories and see that they seem to be ahead of me in their story. But it isn't a competition.
    Honestly I've never felt so out of control in my life. But for the first time in weeks, I'm realizing I am not supposed to be in control. That is the Authors job. This mysterious life doesn't get any clearer, but getting used to that isn't easy. So I am a young woman, with no clear direction in life, and that's okay. I may not be able to see the path or where it's leading, but God does, and He's directing me exactly where I should be, so here's to not reading ahead, changing books, and getting through life one page at a time.

    This Bible verse has been coming up, just about every day in my head since God revealed it to me three months ago, so I've decided it's my theme verse, and pretty much my favorite.
    Romans 12:12 - NIV
      "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

    These happen to be the three things I have been struggling with the most. It's hard to be joyful, often I feel like I've lost all hope. Patience isn't easy, but there also isn't anything else I can do. And faithfulness, I certainly don't spend hours on my knees everyday in prayer, and when I do spend time in prayer, if often feels selfish, asking for direction in my life, hoping certain friendships will go a particular way, begging for a task as follower of Christ - worshiper, wife, artist, author, anything. But that is exactly why I am waiting. Whatever God has for me, it isn't right now. My job right now is to do the best with what I've been given.

  Basically this is a long entry to say that like everyone else, I struggle. But I'm getting through it and I trust God will take care of me where ever he leads me. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 It's time to take steps out onto the water and continue as a character in the Holy One's perfect story.