Pesky Patience Strikes Again

     My roommate and sweet, sweet friend recently got engaged and it truly is an amazing thing. It's such an exciting time for all of us and especially her. I love seeing her face late up when she realizes she is finally getting married. It's such a relief too because her and her feónce have been dating for six years! And they were close friends with mutual feelings for two years before that. They've had difficult times, moments of doubt as to whether their relationship was what God wanted for them ultimately it has proved true and is more inspiring than any other relationship I've witnessed in my short years. In the midst of all these years they never made their friends uncomfortable, always thinking of others before themselves. I loved how we could go out with them and not feel like a third wheel and just have a good time! Both would engage in conversation with everyone and they were never "doe eyed" with each other making our time together uncomfortable.

     Several times I'd spoken with my roommate about relationships often when one of us (mostly me) was at a low point emotionally. She would wonder if her boyfriend would ever propose and I wondered if I would ever get a boyfriend.

     As for me? I've been single all my life, which isn't long since I'm only 24 but I often get discouraged when people look at me odd, "Never? Not at all?", "Don't you want to know what a relationship is like before you find the right guy?"

     Truth is I chose to be single, waiting for God to bring who He desires in my life trusting my relationship with God with be adequate enough. I've chosen not to have a string of relationships in my past as baggage to bring into my future marriage. Hopefully my future husband will appreciate that but most importantly, I hope it honors and glorifies the Lord.

     As my roommate and I were talking the other night about all the exciting things she gets to plan now that she is engaged she mentioned something that days later I realized may actually be a highlight in my own life. Her words were,

     "I can see my patience is finally paying off."

     She began listing all the. Leasing the Lord has allowed since the engagement and it's only been a week! Those words really resonated with me though.

Often I get so discouraged about being single, more than I care to admit. "He will only be an ordinary guy," I'll think, "no one could ever love me like (insert friends who are dating here).", "he will probably regret ever choosing me," "what's the point of waiting when it's only going to be sub-par?"

     "My patience is finally paying off."

     It hit me this morning. God is having me wait for a reason! Not because he's chosen Mr. Mediocre so we can live life decently. He has placed me in a time of waiting because He is preparing the best for me, so we can live life as amazing examples for His glory! My patience will pay off.

     You see, God loves is and He wants the best for us, specific to our needs. If you are single and it brings you Darrow think about it, don't lose hope! God has someone He is preparing for you. Someone He is turning into a man or woman of God to come alongside of you and further Bis kingdom. Your patience will pay off and that abundantly.

James 1:4 "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Fall

Here's to new seasons!
In some places in this country the leaves have begun changing, the weather cooling to a nice 60 degrees at it's hottest, and the world is feeling fresh again. Even here in the High Desert we've been blessed to see actual clouds the last week. I almost forgot what they looked like. It's been sunshine and scorching temperatures for over three months...
In other news, new season of your favorite television shows are beginning to air, last years loading up on Netflix or Amazon and school is back in session! Yay books! The school supplies are heavily advertised still at this point, even those most schools started over a month ago- but the buses are something I dread. Needing to leave a whole ten minutes earlier for work... for once I look forward to the time change. The cooler weather isn't so bad either. Cooled to a whopping 78 yesterday. Sarcasm at it's strongest.
But it all seriousness the change of the weather and our new seasons of school and work and time-changes is such a wonderful reminder. Maybe for you summer was plain awful. I know mine wasn't the greatest. Perhaps you lost a loved one, broke out of a long term relationship you thought was 'the one', lost your job, had to move away, the list goes on of the many things you may have experienced this summer. The heat, the sun rising before you wake up, the sun setting later- perhaps these won't be the greatest reminders of what went on in your summer. It is such a blessing that season change and with it, new life. The sun will rise later, and set earlier, the weather is cooler, different things our society will be going on that have FALL written all over them. These things help us get our mind off of the past and onto the future! It's so exciting to see what God is going to do this next season. Perhaps it won't be anything I imagine, which is quite a lot when it comes to my imagination. And that is okay. Our expectations shouldn't be on what we will accoplish for ourselves, but what the Lord will allow us to accomplish for Him.
"Oh the joy of the Lord, He will be my strength, when the preasure is on, He's making Diamonds. He is refining in His timing, He's making diamonds out of us!" -Hawk Nelson
When that pressure comes upon us in this new season, know that the Lord is shaping you into something beautiful!! Accept the instruction and walk in obedience. The Lord has a plan for us all in this new season. 

God in Promises

God truly is in everything.

He patiently waited.

He received the promise.

He was satisfied.

Abraham was able to share great blessing because of this.

In Hebrews 6, the author writes that God mad a promise to Abraham. The Lord swore by Himself, that Abraham would be blessed and multiplied. Vs. 15- “And so after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” Later on in verse 18 it says that it is impossible for God to lie. He has set hope before us that we can lay hold of.

God gives us promises in our lives often in a sort of specific yet fairly vague kind of way. It usually springs from a godly desire that is scripturally sound, such as the desire to get married (not for your benefit, but for the benefit of your spouse and children) or even accomplishing great works in ministry, (often unknown until doors are opened and the Lord tells us someway that this direction is His will.) This is only two of many promises the Lord can give us. He gives is a great many in scripture regarding our future- that hope of heaven when we accept Him as OUR Lord and Savior and let him guide and direct our lives.

Sometimes though He gives us even more specific promises than that through the gifts of His Spirit. In Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 Paul explains to us these gifts: word of knowledge, faith, healings, wisdom, prophecy, discernment, and more. I know one of my gifts is faith, and it isn’t always easy, but through these different gifts we can know even more specifically what God has in store for us and those around us.

It’s so funny because over the last year or tow the Lord has given me promises, some more vague than others, but some incredibly specific. I used to wonder if it was truly of God, wondering why he would choose to tell me of all people and something so specific and definite. I sought hard after the Lord (still do) trying to determine if it could really be true. The struggle of doubt is real. But the things that supported that these were of the Lord? I would have people, who had no idea I was struggling with the belief of these promises, come up and share scripture supporting it. I’d always double check the reference flipping through the pages of my bible, astounded by the words from their mouth, or the message rom their text. My morning devotions would scream at me not to doubt and when I thought about these promises, about the life I would have when they would be (will be) fulfilled, I could see it was good, God glorifying, literally all about magnifying Christ as Lord and Savior- not myself or the enemy or anything the like. And in the midst of probably the MOST impossible circumstance, where anyone, including myself, could have looked at the situation and deemed it impossible, concluded it to be not of the Lord, I decided to believe. I chose to believe the Lord can tell His children thing very specific in their lives. He revels in the impossible. He delights in what is most difficult to believe. I find that so beautiful. In the midst of chaos, when choosing to believe the impossible I experience Philippians 4:7, “and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

It’s now a matter of patience in that area of my life, no longer anxiety and overwhelming doubt. Patience and growth, learning everything I can from God about what it takes to be a woman of God, to walk in obedience and prepare for this future that the Lord may be glorified through it all.

I still waver and doubts tend to trickle through my mind as the enemy is always attacking and doing what he can to draw me away from the Lord, but I stay anchored and always come back to His word and what the Lord tells me through it.

Someone wise once told me this, “Everyone wavers. But we must be like a buoy. Tossed to and fro but never floats away from its anchor.”

It’s through the constant spiritual battle that we are in that we learn the faithfulness and truthfulness and sovereignty of God and all the He IS able to accomplish.

Thank You Lord for your promises in my life and to those around me. Thank You for the amazing growth I get to do while waiting on You. I pray Your Name be glorified in my life as You are my first love, & that all may know how great You are & how mighty You work. Help me to share great blessing to those around me. Bless those in my life who struggle with doubt, show them You are a mighty God who can conquer all and will. Fill them with Your Spirit that they may go out and glorify Your Name above all names and lift You up. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

A Promise of Success

Sometimes people think that if the follow the letter of the law they will be successful in life. Do good deeds, have good things happen to you. Karma. The Promlems is the worlds interpretation of success. The world defines success as wealthy, attractive, well liked, and far from harm. Having the pretty wife, good kids in private school, house with a pool, job to be adored, etc. But what does it mean to be successful in Christ?

Love. 

Love Jesus, love people. 

Show love, demonstrate it to the world. Obey the Lord. Walk in His ways. Life won't be perfect. Storms will come and test our faith, often we will be put under trial and many times we will have even the appearance of being unsuccessful in our a great part of our lives but when the world takes a closer look- they should see that despite our circumstances- we are joyful! We have the joy of Christ in our life and what can be more successful than that? To rejoice when all seems lost- to sing when all seems forgotten or fallen- all because Christ and His love for us! His dying on the cross! Giving up His life, that we might have life more abundantly. 

People in the world may have the appearance of success because of their possessions and status among their community, but if there is no true joy in there life? What good is it all?

Psalm 128:1-2

“Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, Who walks in His ways. When you eat the labor of your hands, You shall be happy, and it shall be well with you.”

True success is successfully pleasing the Lord in all you do, so go out and obey His commands that He has given you! :)

Decipleship and the Journey Along with it

Sometimes the greatest change happens when your love for the Lord and desire to serve Him is greater than your desire to serve the world and yourself. It's then when you so badly want to please Christ that you no longer care if you ruin your 'reputation' with the world by preaching the gospel to them. Learning how to love Christ teaches you how to love people better- to the point of not wanting to see them eternally condemned to Hell. Your testimony may convince one that Jesus can do a work, but it's the gospel that will convert them to Jesus Christ Himself.

I've been chosen to be a deciple for the Lord and it is scary. I feel insufficient, but I choose to continue with what the Lord has told me because my love for Him has overwhelmed me and I don't want to see others with the same fate I once had, but rather to be renewed in His glory and forgiveness!

No-thank-you Bite

Let's face it. I want adventure. There's nothing wrong with that. Some camping here. Amusement parks there. Married life. Kids. Travel. Hikes. Retreats. Parties. I mean, what isn't adventurous in life?

If there's anything my mom taught me that I've taken to heart that also applies in a small way to this particular moment is to always give things a no thank you bite. Now I still try no thank you bites when it comes to new food but I've also carried it over to many other things in life. I've ended up trying a lot of new things and getting out of my comfort zone. For instance: horse back riding. Tried it. Liked it a little even. Won't ever do it again though. 

There are a few things like this. I've discover what I like and what I don't. Weathers is books and movies, games, food, habits in relationships and so on. 

Once Casey Kendal taught me, a Christian should never be a codify able Christian. We should be getting out of our comfort zones of the pews of the church, and bringing the church to the people. The ultimate adventure. It's so true and I've leaned so much about myself because I've put this into practice. I've learned that I'm a control freak, slightly obsessive, and a tad clingy. But I've also learned that being around other people makes me a better servant. Having other who may seem better or may seem worse off, helping others, loving others, it's taught me to understand better what the Lord has for my life. I just serve better alongside those I love! And all because I decided to try new things. Get out there and know people better. I don't regret it. And still the Lord is stretching me. Putting me in places I don't think I'll ever understand. Most recently He's put me in a position, that I had been avoiding, for a long time, for good reason! So uncomfortable! Why me? Why there? Why now? The Lord knows the situation I have myself in but he still put me where he wants me. Nearly a month in and I still don't know why!?! But He is sovereign and has a perfect plan for all of our lives. So who am I to tell God that He made a mistake? He couldn't have. He has me there for a reason. So on serving I will do! And I won't lie, it's been pretty great already, despite the continuous discomfort. I can still have joy in my heart. 💜

That one family member....

You ever have one of those family members? They just do some of the craziest things that are completely "far out", and not in the good way? Well I have one of those family members. I love her to death, but, seriously? The things she does are so out of the realm of normal, I can't imagine what she has been thinking this week.

So there are some family members who want me to date. And when I say "some" I mean ALL. And when I say "date", I mean they want me to get married before I'm too old. That's a lot of pressure when I'm not interested in getting married right now. I have my goals. Serve the Lord. Praise the Lord. None of those have become necessary to need a husband to do so, so I stay single.
Well over the years I've had family give me their opinions of who I should date and who I shouldn't. I've had considering thoughts and not considered others... well a certain family member crossed a line. Actually! She drove so far PAST the line, It's a little dot in her rearview mirror!!

So I'm staring at my phone.
No new messages.
Just searching for better LTE.
The my, well "cousin" calls...
"Hey did you get my message?"
"What message?"
"I left you a message a few hours ago."
Mind you I had been staring at my phone all morning. Waiting in anticipation for my friend to get back to me. There had been no messages....
"No, I don't have any messages from you.."
"Oh, well, okay well there's this lady at work. And she has a son. And he's out of the military on disability, and he's going to the local college to get his little two year degree..."
"Really? Please tell me you didn't set something up."
"Well, not exactly."
"This is weird! how old is this guy?"
"He's 36.And I left a picture of him in an email."
"36!!!????"
Side note - I'm sorry but 36? My sister doesn't even hang out with people who are 36. And she's nearly 30! Okay there is this one guy - 35, and I would seriously consider it except, A) Married and B) Famous... so I mean, not going to happen... anyways, back to the story.
"Well what are you wanting me to do?"
"Um, I don't think its really going to be a good match, because he's kind of shy and doesn't have a lot of friends, (suggesting basically she wants me, and my 20-year-old friends to hang out with him) but I gave his mom your phone number so maybe you guys can meet at Starbucks sometime."
"YOU DID WHAT?????!!!!!"
That's right folks. My cousin gave some random 36 year old guy my phone number. This particular cousin by the way, she is paranoid about my safety, more so than my own mother. She hates it when I drive down to Costa Mesa for a worship concert at another church! And she gave some guy my phone number??????
Ha! If this guy ends up harassing me, I will surely change my number and make sure she doesn't get the update! Where was her brain? Who does that? It's funny in the movies, but this is real life! He could be a serial killer! And living in the area I do, it's very likely!! Not unfeasible!  AH!
So there was that. And it scares me. Hopefully this guy is at least halfway normal, realizes that this is entirely weird, and doesn't ever call...

But that's not the only thing she did this week. This though, this was defiantly an attack from Satan and I don't blame my cousin at all. I mean, she could be less of an airhead, but her timing was not her own, defiantly the work of Satan...
So I'm like 5 minutes late getting ready for an important ministry thing I do. And she calls, when technically I should be on the road already.
"So I was wondering if you could do me a huge favor."
(here I'm thinking later today when I'm not doing anything, so I say,) "Sure."
"Well I might have left my keys on the ground, outside my car at the park and ride."
(she carpools to work)
"Oh, okay"
Now I'm freaking out. Because she has this beautiful, nice, expensive car and it's sitting at a park and ride by the freeway, with the keys just laying next to it. So I much out the door to get to the park and ride that's in the opposite direction of where my ministry thing is. But I'm like, better to be late than to have to deal with a stolen car. Well as I pull up to the park and ride, I start freaking out because I can't see her car anywhere, and it's really easy to spot usually because it's an obnoxious color! Well... No car. And I'm sitting there trying to think about what to do. I'm already 20 minutes late to ministry. Shoot- then I remembered! She changed her Park and Ride location!!! Praise Jesus her car might not be stolen!!!! So I rush, clear on the other side of town, thankfully not getting a ticket, (Though I did speed and probably deserve one.) and looked for her car. There it was! Obnoxious color and all! So I park and start looking around on the ground.

No Keys.

Now, I happen to have a set of spare keys for my cousin, because as you can tell, she is an airhead, so I unlocked the car and looked inside- and there they were.... sitting in the backseat. This entire situation made me over 45 minutes late to ministry and I didn't have to be. Not to mention the GAS I wasted this morning driving all over town!

Well yesterday I had agreed to sing worship for a funeral today, and this was all happening before that. I arrived late to ministry but I made it thought. Did my part when I needed to, even though I didn't get the sufficient practice time, and I also made it on time to the funeral rehearsal. In the end God is good and it all worked together. But my back is killing me from the stress knots. Why do I get so stressed out over the dumbest things?!

Anyways, like I said... That was an attack from Satan, but it would help a lot around here if my cousin wasn't such an airhead. I'm hoping I don't get stalked by this guy..."

When Things get Tough

There is something so beautiful about the way the Lord work in our lives. Sometimes we lose sight of the beauty when we become desensitized by it. But I think our biggest problem is we forget. We are such forgetful creatures in that we loose sight of what He has brought us from.

            Each thing He has brought us from is very different but when it comes down to the emotional aspect of where we were, it’s incredibly painful for all of us. Because I myself am a very imaginative person, I can get swept away in my thoughts, sometimes for hours.

            While it’s handy for writing some pretty interesting fiction at also happen to be a great burden when I begin pondering on the wrong things. My brain has the tendency to turn a simple unfortunate situation into the most devastating life event that persuades me to believe life would be better everyone else if I just ceased to exist. And then I’ll try to justify these “suicidal” thoughts by convincing myself it’s for others. I’m doing it for the better of others. I regret to say my head has brought me to this place countless times. Thinking that because of my actions, I have ruined other people’s lives.

            Romans 13:14 tells us "...and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh." A hard lesson that hit me in the face this week that I didn't even know it was a problem. Sure we can control our words towards other people, but our thoughts in our own head is so much more difficult.

           And our focus!  Where is our focus supposed to be? We keep thinking so hard that the point of life is to serve others, and make others happy and comfortable and while that is important, it shouldn’t be our priority! Our priority is serving our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Instead of asking God what we can do for Him, we are off trying to make others happy, not giving a second thought to whether or not the people we are pleasing, if that in itself is pleasing to God.

            God loves us, even at our darkest! So why cant we just accept that and live for Him? Love God, and Love others. That is what the two commandments in Matthew 22 are all about. We've got to get these in the right order our life will be chaos.

            “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. ’”

                                                                                                Matthew 22:37-39

Pain

Words. Belief. Doubt. 

Is there any other way out?

Pain, loss, sorrow. 

Wishing for a better tomorrow. 

Nothing's changed. Nothing will. 

I'm so weary of standing still. 

I've heard it before, 

"There's something in store"

But it remains, this lingering chill

Hope is promised. 

But we should stop this. 

It's only a let down. 

Even in this town. 

Forget the hope of bliss. 

Being A Character

    I've been dwelling a lot, it's been so long since I've sat down in a coffee shop and just written. There is something about being an author and having control over a story that I thoroughly enjoy. But as of late, I haven't had any time to write. Either school, ministry, fellowship or just plain sleep seems to get in the way. I wasn't worried about my lack of creativity lately until I started thinking about it this morning. Writing, painting, filming: all my greatest hobbies have been on hold for almost a year. So instead of being the author, the artist, or the director, I've been the character. I've been the work of art. A character in God's story.
    Anyone ever wonder when their story will begin? Where it's going? When life will finally start? I've been wondering a lot when my story will begin, but I realize now, my story began a long time ago. I'm only between chapters. It feels a lot like there are too many blank pages between the chapters but as a character I cannot see the whole story. It's really frustrating and has had be down lately. Especially when I read the back cover and see one thing, but as my story plays out, it's something entirely different. Or when I peek over into my friends stories and see that they seem to be ahead of me in their story. But it isn't a competition.
    Honestly I've never felt so out of control in my life. But for the first time in weeks, I'm realizing I am not supposed to be in control. That is the Authors job. This mysterious life doesn't get any clearer, but getting used to that isn't easy. So I am a young woman, with no clear direction in life, and that's okay. I may not be able to see the path or where it's leading, but God does, and He's directing me exactly where I should be, so here's to not reading ahead, changing books, and getting through life one page at a time.

    This Bible verse has been coming up, just about every day in my head since God revealed it to me three months ago, so I've decided it's my theme verse, and pretty much my favorite.
    Romans 12:12 - NIV
      "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

    These happen to be the three things I have been struggling with the most. It's hard to be joyful, often I feel like I've lost all hope. Patience isn't easy, but there also isn't anything else I can do. And faithfulness, I certainly don't spend hours on my knees everyday in prayer, and when I do spend time in prayer, if often feels selfish, asking for direction in my life, hoping certain friendships will go a particular way, begging for a task as follower of Christ - worshiper, wife, artist, author, anything. But that is exactly why I am waiting. Whatever God has for me, it isn't right now. My job right now is to do the best with what I've been given.

  Basically this is a long entry to say that like everyone else, I struggle. But I'm getting through it and I trust God will take care of me where ever he leads me. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 It's time to take steps out onto the water and continue as a character in the Holy One's perfect story.

Transformation

This summer, it truly has been a wonderful summer and I'm partially sad to see it go as the weather changes. I never thought I could ever be so on fire for God like I have been this summer. I've always loved God, had the desire to get to know Him better, but I was too comfortable with where I was at. Around April I made a decision to not stay in that stagnant place any longer. My heart yearns to know Jesus more! I feel shameful that it took me nearly 20 years to finally run hard after Christ and His plan for me. I'm not saying this summer has been easy and full of clarity. It certainly has been a heart wrenching summer. Pastors, leaders, and people that I've grown up with, known nearly my entire life, moving on, moving away, out for the Glory of God. Being called to a different mission. Their time is done here in this desert, and the part I struggle with is not seeing thing clearly. Not understanding how we will stand without them. But God hasn't revealed it yet for a great reason I'm sure. I'm thinking He really wants his people to depend and trust in Him while we go through these changes that hurt so much. In my own life I have been learning so much on faith, trust, and patience. A journey that is not nearly over. It has hurt more lately than usual, the uncertainty of my future, my career, relationships, "love", ministry. It certainly has been trial and error lately but most importantly, aside from trying to understand so desperately what God has planned for me, I have been really struggling with just letting go. Letting God's will take place over my life. I try and control situations, manipulate things to go at my own pace, but God has a different plan. God knows what's right for me and has His perfect timing. Oi. Patience is a killer. But God keeps telling me it will be worth it. In the words of Casey Kendal, a loved pastor whom I respect so much because of his heart to serve, "Waiting is worth it when God is in it!" I pray everyday that God will give me the strength to endure this long period of waiting. It most of the time feels like the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I have to make sure my desires don't distract me from what God has planned. I really am going to miss each and every one of the people who are leaving. Some might not even know it because we don't know each other hardly at all, but every single one of them had something I admired about them and aspire to be like. They have a passion for Christ and living out His will for their lives. Talents they use for the glory of God. I only hope that as the summer comes to end, that my fire for Jesus won't die. I desire to burn hard through the winter and the next seasons of my life until the day I die. No one will be mistaken for what I believe. I still have so much more to grow, to learn. And hopefully one day I can be like these godly ladies who are moving on and living out the call for Christ in the their lives. Not to say that I hope I move away one day, I'm sure God has me staying behind for a reason. But my transformation isn't nearly over. And I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for me. Hopefully my impatience doesn't get ahead of me.

Waiting rooms

    Sitting in a waiting room. How many stories there must be. Many are probably cliche but ever person is unique and every person has a story. I love people and their stories. I love to listen to what they've gone through and how it's shaped them into the person they are today. 

   An older gentleman is sitting here in a wheel chair. One could put it off and simply say he's some old guy waiting for a check-up here at the doctors office. But I look at the ware in his eyes as he stares intently at the electrical closet. He isn't interested in the TV. He isn't looking around trying to find some way of occupying his mind like many of us young people. No he already has stories in his past to dwell on. The chaos of children and blabby adults around him bothers him none. His leathered skin speaks of hard work in his younger years out in the sun. No time for the latest greatest in today's technology. Sometimes what we've been through is so much more important. The sadness in his slouch, he seems tired. Tired of life. Tired of daily issues that no longer have relevance as an older man. Just some things I observe. Perhaps the joy is missing. The joy of Christ and the life to come when knowing Him. I take this moment to pray for him that he knows Christ. No one should be so worn, so sad, so disconnected from what is around and be lost to hope. The hope of heaven. 

   Any number of things could be going on. And observation is probably hardly a glimpse into what his life may be like. But I know his life is unique and he has a story. I only wish I could have heard it before he left. Maybe one day I'll ask the next person who seems to have a story.  Though we all have stories. But who is willing to share?

   Just some thoughts....

Writing Therapy - Pt 2: Growing Pains

   I must be growing because so much has been changing and it doesn't always feel good. What can one say when they love so much that it hurts? I love people. I love fellowship. Most importantly, I love serving Jesus. It's been hard with the changes going on around me to find where I fit. Just when I feel I've been put in a place that I belong, a place where I learn about new people and make new friends, a ministry that I can truly use my talents to bless the Lord, things change and I get moved elsewhere. All I can gather is the Lord has a better plan for me. I didn't think it could get better, sometimes I fail to see that life isn't in my control. I don't hold the universe in my hands and wield great cosmic power. But I have faith and trust in the God who does. God is preparing me for something. I'm trying to rid of the fear that may be holding me back. The fear that takes me to dark places. Scripture is so comforting right now in the midst of these battles. I pray that sweet comfort ever leads.
   I used to have this great idea planned out for my life. I always knew that it more of a dream rather than reality, but truth is, I never thought of reality coming my way either. I always avoided the thoughts of what I might actually have to do with my life. Until recently. Suddenly I'm excited for reality. The reality that I am a human vessel for the Lord's work. While the 'how' is still a mystery, along with the 'when', I know that it's the direction my life is headed.
  'Patience is a virtue' they say. Well, patience is something I have a feeling I will struggle with for the rest of my days. There is that and so many other things I am working on in my life. Letting God mold me too. It hurts a bit, but I did ask Him to do it. I can only blame myself. Plus, with and artist like Christ, there has to be something beautiful in the end. I'm hoping for a crystal clear picture of Christ. They may be high standards, but God shouldn't settle for anything less.

Writing Therapy #1

 It truly is an outlet for me when I'm stressed. Not just bad stress, but even when I'm filled with the kind of stress of being incredibly excited and unsure of the future do I find myself scribbling words into my journal.
  I was reading a blog this morning that was so incredibly encouraging, by a friend I knew in high school and still see from time to time these days at church. Her blog is thewindbecomesasonnet.wordpress.com and it was titled From Emotions to Words. I can relate all to well what she said about having family that loves her, feeling overcome with doubt, etc. There is such a huge mystery up ahead for me. I wish I had her boldness and knowledge of going out and doing what the Lord has called her to do. She is an inspiration to me right now stepping out into the unknown. Everyone steps out into the unknown everyday I suppose but not moving states away from your family. Not when you love them so.
   I've been presented with a similar opportunity that I haven't shared with a whole lot people. Mostly because "it doesn't seem it will actually happen. It's too good to be true. It's a long time in Europe to not be with family. Their must be someone better suited for the job than me. God couldn't possibly want me to take off for two years and serve him oversea's". Doubt.
   Many may not know this but I am filled with doubt often. Everyone might relate - Doubt I'll ever finish school, doubt I'll ever get a career in film, doubt that film is what God really wants me to do, doubt I'll ever get married, doubt I'll ever have children, doubt I'll ever be somebody Jesus can be proud of. People don't know it, but these things are always on the back of my mind behind the smile that is so easily seen.
   I was talking to my mother one night when I was at one of my most hopeless and doubtful moments and as we cried and prayed together she reminded me that God has a great plan for me and I need to keep my eyes on pleasing Him rather than pleasing others or myself. It's hard letting go of the earthly things you desire to accomplish and trusting Him completely with your life in His hands but He is an awesome God, yet still I struggle. My God is the greatest Father I've ever known and ever will, though sometimes I actually come across the thoughts, "Is He enough?", "Can He truly be the Father I've always wanted or needed?". My real father hasn't ever been around. In fact, I don't believe he ever had any kind of love for me, not enough for him to try and be apart of my life. It may have left me with some abandonment issues. It's been two decades and I am still dealing with it, still struggling. My mother married a great man a few years after that I am proud to call my father. But in creeps those thoughts of wondering if he ever loves me like a "true" father would. In creeps thoughts of what it would be like to have that 'nuclear family' everyone else seems to have: parents that everyone compares your appearance to, siblings whose personalities are that of a relation that can only be blood. How I envy the family photo's of people and you can certainly tell they are all related. But why do I envy that so? Such faulty thinking when I think of family and friends who have gone through such hard times, so much worse than I. I truly am blessed with a father who loves and takes care of me. If i ever find myself in trouble he would be there in a second.
   I have a brother who's dad died two years ago. Liver failure. My brother didn't know him well. He had never been in the picture until a year or two before he died. He had crossed the country though, just to get to know his son before he moved on. I have no idea what my brother thought of all of it. We don't ever talk about it. Like me he never had the chance to grow up knowing his real father and what it would have been like, which may be part of the reason as to why we are so close.
   As you can see 'father' is on my mind a lot. My fathers, the fathers of others. Knowing what it 'should' look like and not having it- it's jealousy, conceit, complete and utter sin.
   "My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand. I and My Father are one." John 10:29 & 30. He is the greatest Father we could ever hope for. And He is preparing a place in eternity for us. Who can ask for a better father than that? Who needs tangible, when you have eternal!
    My mother promised me one day that I would be married and have a family. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. But if God does send me a righteous man to go through life with me and have children with I hope and pray that he not be like that 'picture perfect' father I've always been so jealous of. With his faults and fair share of hard times, I pray he is a man like David. So in love with God. A man like Paul, seeking to tell other about His glory. A man like John, Stephen, James, and Peter who gave their lives! For Christ! For His name's sake! That isn't picture perfect. God is the Perfect Picture that we all must strive after.
   Adult life is hard. No one ever tells you it's this difficult. In fact, most say 'it's fun'. And it has its moments. But even with such heavy things that dwell on my heart, I know that God lifts my burdens and the uncertain future isn't going to get any clearer so I'm buckling my seat belt and riding off by faith. It is what God would have me do.
   'But the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. Against such things there is no law.' Galatians 5:22


         Thank You God, for saving me!













 

The Core - Pilot - Act 4

So, like I've mentioned before, don't forget to leave comments, but most importantly, enjoy the story. It's very much fun to write. :) I know it's short. But it's the icing on the cake right? You tell me.  ;)

ACT IV

46. INT. SCOTT LIVINGROOM – NIGHT

The sound of rain begins as NANCY tends to JON and PAUL’s bandages and JON and PAUL sit on the couch drinking hot tea. JON and PAUL only had minor scratches, nothing broken.

NANCY

Did anybody get seriously injured?

PAUL

One of my lab techs had a lung collapse. She’s in the hospital right now in critical condition.

JON

I can’t imagine the repercussions this is going to have on your research.

PAUL

It will put us back six months. But we will get through it.

NANCY brings ice packs to PAUL and JON. MUSIC begins here to set a tone for the MONTAGE coming up.

EXT. ECHO CITY STREETS – NIGHT

RAIN is pouring down, and water rushing through the street. MICHAEL and CODY wearing raincoats stand under a streetlight waiting for DARIUS who approaches them.

DARIUS

The weather didn’t call for a storm.

MICHAEL

You’d be surprised how often the weatherman gets it wrong.

DARIUS

Come with me.

MICHAEL and CODY follow DARIUS down the street in the rain. The MUSIC is still going.

47. INT. O’NIEL PENTHOUSE – NIGHT

Through the rain covered window we see kids still having a fun time at the party. We zoom in on STELLA, NOAH, and SEBASTIAN laughing and dancing. Across from them SIERRA and EVAN are dancing together but EVAN clearly has his eyes on STELLA and is watching her intently.

48. INT. JON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

JON walks in rubbing the bandage around his arm. SAM pats him on the back in sympathy and exits the room. JON takes off his silver jacket tossing it aside and looks up in a mirror in his room. The MUSIC is still going. He grabs a near by pair of scissors and begins cutting his long hair off.

TO BLACK:

49. INT. JON’S CLOSET – NIGHT

The door opens and JON, shirtless and with short hair, bags up black clothes to get rid of.

CUT TO:

50. INT. DEVOLA ENTERPRISES ELEVATOR – NIGHT

MICHAEL, CODY, and DARIUS wait as lights flash from the elevators movement. The door opens and they step through-

51. INT. I.C.O.P. – NIGHT

DARIUS leads them through a large open and matted area. Weight equipment and punching bags lay around the edge of the room where mirrors are on the walls.

DARIUS

Welcome to I.C.O.P. Not to be confused with the breakfast franchise. This is where you are going to train, here at the Internal Core Operations Point.

DARIUS leads them to a ‘conference’ looking room.

DARIUS

When times get tough meetings will be held.

DARIUS then leads them to a small room with two cots.

DARIUS

And in the mean time, you can sleep here, just until something more suitable is found.

MICHAEL

This seems a little much for just me.

DARIUS

This isn’t just for you MICHAEL. A source of mine says there are three of your kind, just in this city. Including you. Our goal is to find the other two.

MICHAEL

I guess this is it. My future is changed forever.

MICHAEL Takes off his coat and THE CORE SYMBOL is seen on his SHOULDER.

52. INT. SCOTT APARTMENT HALLWAY – NIGHT

Just outside his bedroom door JON walks in holding the two bags and sets them down. JON’s phone begins ringing and he pulls it out to see JORDAN calling. He answers it.

JON

Hey.

JORDON (V.O.)

I got your message.

JON

I’m sorry about that.

JORDON

I know this is hard for you when everyone you know is gone.

JON

I may have overreacted by calling you.

JORDON

I trust you will make new friends at this school. But you’ll always be distant if you hold on to the idea that we’re still friends.

JON

You know when Michael ran away, all I could think was that I was happy to have you all to myself. But now I don’t even have you.

JORDON

Maybe it’s time you leave your old life behind. Forget about Michael. He cared more about finding his birth parents than staying here with his real family. And forget about me. I’ve moved on- you should too.

JON

And you’re completely right. I guess this is goodbye for the last time.

JORDON

Goodbye Jonny.

JON clicks the phone off and stares at it. The music ends and as he exhales the phone falls through (as in literally passing through, the impossible kind of passing through) his hand and he gasps.

END OF PILOT