It truly is an outlet for me when I'm stressed. Not just bad stress, but even when I'm filled with the kind of stress of being incredibly excited and unsure of the future do I find myself scribbling words into my journal.
I was reading a blog this morning that was so incredibly encouraging, by a friend I knew in high school and still see from time to time these days at church. Her blog is thewindbecomesasonnet.wordpress.com and it was titled From Emotions to Words. I can relate all to well what she said about having family that loves her, feeling overcome with doubt, etc. There is such a huge mystery up ahead for me. I wish I had her boldness and knowledge of going out and doing what the Lord has called her to do. She is an inspiration to me right now stepping out into the unknown. Everyone steps out into the unknown everyday I suppose but not moving states away from your family. Not when you love them so.
I've been presented with a similar opportunity that I haven't shared with a whole lot people. Mostly because "it doesn't seem it will actually happen. It's too good to be true. It's a long time in Europe to not be with family. Their must be someone better suited for the job than me. God couldn't possibly want me to take off for two years and serve him oversea's". Doubt.
Many may not know this but I am filled with doubt often. Everyone might relate - Doubt I'll ever finish school, doubt I'll ever get a career in film, doubt that film is what God really wants me to do, doubt I'll ever get married, doubt I'll ever have children, doubt I'll ever be somebody Jesus can be proud of. People don't know it, but these things are always on the back of my mind behind the smile that is so easily seen.
I was talking to my mother one night when I was at one of my most hopeless and doubtful moments and as we cried and prayed together she reminded me that God has a great plan for me and I need to keep my eyes on pleasing Him rather than pleasing others or myself. It's hard letting go of the earthly things you desire to accomplish and trusting Him completely with your life in His hands but He is an awesome God, yet still I struggle. My God is the greatest Father I've ever known and ever will, though sometimes I actually come across the thoughts, "Is He enough?", "Can He truly be the Father I've always wanted or needed?". My real father hasn't ever been around. In fact, I don't believe he ever had any kind of love for me, not enough for him to try and be apart of my life. It may have left me with some abandonment issues. It's been two decades and I am still dealing with it, still struggling. My mother married a great man a few years after that I am proud to call my father. But in creeps those thoughts of wondering if he ever loves me like a "true" father would. In creeps thoughts of what it would be like to have that 'nuclear family' everyone else seems to have: parents that everyone compares your appearance to, siblings whose personalities are that of a relation that can only be blood. How I envy the family photo's of people and you can certainly tell they are all related. But why do I envy that so? Such faulty thinking when I think of family and friends who have gone through such hard times, so much worse than I. I truly am blessed with a father who loves and takes care of me. If i ever find myself in trouble he would be there in a second.
I have a brother who's dad died two years ago. Liver failure. My brother didn't know him well. He had never been in the picture until a year or two before he died. He had crossed the country though, just to get to know his son before he moved on. I have no idea what my brother thought of all of it. We don't ever talk about it. Like me he never had the chance to grow up knowing his real father and what it would have been like, which may be part of the reason as to why we are so close.
As you can see 'father' is on my mind a lot. My fathers, the fathers of others. Knowing what it 'should' look like and not having it- it's jealousy, conceit, complete and utter sin.
"My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand. I and My Father are one." John 10:29 & 30. He is the greatest Father we could ever hope for. And He is preparing a place in eternity for us. Who can ask for a better father than that? Who needs tangible, when you have eternal!
My mother promised me one day that I would be married and have a family. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. But if God does send me a righteous man to go through life with me and have children with I hope and pray that he not be like that 'picture perfect' father I've always been so jealous of. With his faults and fair share of hard times, I pray he is a man like David. So in love with God. A man like Paul, seeking to tell other about His glory. A man like John, Stephen, James, and Peter who gave their lives! For Christ! For His name's sake! That isn't picture perfect. God is the Perfect Picture that we all must strive after.
Adult life is hard. No one ever tells you it's this difficult. In fact, most say 'it's fun'. And it has its moments. But even with such heavy things that dwell on my heart, I know that God lifts my burdens and the uncertain future isn't going to get any clearer so I'm buckling my seat belt and riding off by faith. It is what God would have me do.
'But the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. Against such things there is no law.' Galatians 5:22
Thank You God, for saving me!