I've been dwelling a lot, it's been so long since I've sat down in a coffee shop and just written. There is something about being an author and having control over a story that I thoroughly enjoy. But as of late, I haven't had any time to write. Either school, ministry, fellowship or just plain sleep seems to get in the way. I wasn't worried about my lack of creativity lately until I started thinking about it this morning. Writing, painting, filming: all my greatest hobbies have been on hold for almost a year. So instead of being the author, the artist, or the director, I've been the character. I've been the work of art. A character in God's story.
Anyone ever wonder when their story will begin? Where it's going? When life will finally start? I've been wondering a lot when my story will begin, but I realize now, my story began a long time ago. I'm only between chapters. It feels a lot like there are too many blank pages between the chapters but as a character I cannot see the whole story. It's really frustrating and has had be down lately. Especially when I read the back cover and see one thing, but as my story plays out, it's something entirely different. Or when I peek over into my friends stories and see that they seem to be ahead of me in their story. But it isn't a competition.
Honestly I've never felt so out of control in my life. But for the first time in weeks, I'm realizing I am not supposed to be in control. That is the Authors job. This mysterious life doesn't get any clearer, but getting used to that isn't easy. So I am a young woman, with no clear direction in life, and that's okay. I may not be able to see the path or where it's leading, but God does, and He's directing me exactly where I should be, so here's to not reading ahead, changing books, and getting through life one page at a time.
This Bible verse has been coming up, just about every day in my head since God revealed it to me three months ago, so I've decided it's my theme verse, and pretty much my favorite.
Romans 12:12 - NIV
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
These happen to be the three things I have been struggling with the most. It's hard to be joyful, often I feel like I've lost all hope. Patience isn't easy, but there also isn't anything else I can do. And faithfulness, I certainly don't spend hours on my knees everyday in prayer, and when I do spend time in prayer, if often feels selfish, asking for direction in my life, hoping certain friendships will go a particular way, begging for a task as follower of Christ - worshiper, wife, artist, author, anything. But that is exactly why I am waiting. Whatever God has for me, it isn't right now. My job right now is to do the best with what I've been given.
Basically this is a long entry to say that like everyone else, I struggle. But I'm getting through it and I trust God will take care of me where ever he leads me. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 It's time to take steps out onto the water and continue as a character in the Holy One's perfect story.